Words of advice to a young conference organiser

From the fateful words “I’ll try to keep it short” to the PowerPoint Wizard, this article is a light-hearted look at types of speakers to be avoided at all costs and a few words of advice regarding the necessity of obeying the three unities of classical tragedy, how to handle argumentative debaters, train strikes, choosing the restaurant, controlling access to the bar, and other issues to make sure your conference runs smoothly.